Humor

Treat yourself to a Wank!

In the market for a new monitor? Buy a Wank!

When shopping for a new monitor for your computer, consider having a wank! Better still, a 19″ wank! I know I know, it’s uncharacteristically low brow and you’re all very disappointed with me but I couldn’t resist. Spotted today while performing an otherwise routine software installation job. Just in case anyone doesn’t get it and needs it explained, Wikipedia (as they often do) have a page devoted to it.

Don’t copy that floppy!

Ah the 90′s, when the floppy disk was the saviour of the software piracy world and people were alot easier to scare. Thank God for open source, if only so we don’t have more of this kind of stuff coming out of the woodwork. Now, down with this sort of thing, back to the photos!

A little bit of Liberation

This is just one of these kind of “isn’t it wonderful” posts. Nothing too factual or interesting about any of this. No photographs either. Anyway, put yourself in the following situation…

You design websites, only work on a few because it’s time consuming. One of your clients, lets say… someone in some way involved in some currently booming industry, has been an immeasurably awkward fucker since they day he first signed a contract. That was (give or take) six years ago. Every year you promise yourself you’ll drop him, as the amount of hassle you’re getting isn’t worth the piffling amount of money the contract brings in. You picture how you’ll do it and rehearse the speech every time you walk into his office. Every year it takes no fewer than ten visits to his office to get paid. Each time you get fucked around and told to come back in a few days. You get verbally abused and bullied, up until the point where you walk out slightly richer and waiting for the same time next year to come around.

Picture a group of people that can’t for the life of them figure out how to fix any problems of their own creation. People who depend on you for their every action. If you weren’t at the other end of the phone 24/7, they may forget how to breathe. People that can’t understand why you aren’t at their beck and call constantly and won’t pay for re-training and other non-support callouts.

Then, one day, while out doing your 9 to 5 job you receive a call. It’s the man himself, disgruntled and ignorant as usual, wondering why his website is down. You explain the concept of no payment no service, his annual contract having expired 14 days beforehand. He explains he paid last year. You sigh heavily, laugh a little then explain the term ‘annual’. He becomes audibly very annoyed and demands to see you. You explain you’re currently 250 miles away performing your job and won’t be able to make it. He wants the website re-activated. You explain (several times) that once you are paid for services, the website will be active immediately. That doesn’t go down well. The usual 15 minutes of swearing starts.

You take it very slowly, calmly and patiently, explaining the concept of annual payments, support contracts and why you de-activated the website. No joy. More swearing and demands of action. You start thinking that you’d like to see who’d win in a battle of arrogance & loudmouthedness (is that even a word?) between this guy and Rev. Ian Paisley. Possibly this guy.

Suddenly, 20 minutes into the phone call, you have an epiphany! You’ve been trying to get rid of this wanker for years. This isn’t only the perfect opportunity, it’s a chance to go out in a blaze of glory. Your glory that is. The next sentance that comes out of your mouth will live forever. “Tell you what, the best thing you can do now is go and FUCK YOURSELF”. You hang up, laugh for 2 minutes non-stop and then bask in the warm glow you have created inside your brain. You spend the next 20 minutes wishing you were a fly on the wall of his office, watching the crimson red vein popping out of his neck.

He rings back the following evening to lay down the law. He’s not given the chance. You let rip. He’s told that you’ve wanted to drop him for years and you’re far better off without him and his ridiculously small annual payment. He says he won’t be spoken to like that. You point out that he’s been speaking to you like that for years. He goes off on a tangent about people owing him money. You say you don’t care. He instructs you to come into the office and collect a cheque. You say thanks but no thanks. Another tangent. Finally, and before you hang up again, you say that if you ever hear his voice on the phone again, you’ll hang up.

You take his recently renewed domain name and ponder on pointing it toward a website that caters primarily for some kind of beastiality and/or necrophelia fetishes.

Conduire a What?!?

Conduire a WHAT?

Several weeks ago, I spotted a rather odd sign while driving out of Cork airport. It appeared to be advising English & German speakers to drive on the left side of the road, whereas French speakers should drive on the right! Since first sighting the piece of genius signage, it has provided me with chuckles every time I drive out of the airport grounds. I’m not the only person to spot it though. Damien also raised the issue which prompted me to finally get a photo of the sign this afternoon. Several boards users have also made the discovery.

I can only hope it wasn’t the cause of several preventable rental car pile-ups on the airport roundabout…

Des Bishop in the Opera House

I went to see Des Bishop last night in the Opera House. How glad am I that I booked tickets well in advance? Anyway.. Outstanding show, it even justified the wearage of brown pants as I almost soiled myself several times with laughter. The first half of the show revolved a lot around taking the piss out of the people in the front couple of rows (there had to be a reason I booked seats at the back of the room) and the second half dealt with his upcoming TV show (or have I missed it already?) “Fitting In”. Hearing the stories from some of the most troubled spots in the country, both north and south of the border, told in an absurdly comic manner was lighthearted yet still managed to drive home an important message…

.. but I’m not going to bother with that now.

If I could change only one thing, I’d have had him sing the rebel song at the karaoke night in the loyalist bar in north Belfast. Not because I secretly want Des to be buried alive by ‘the enemy’, but because it would have been his last brave act as a comic genius. Go out with a bang… or several bangs followed by a thud… and alot of swearing. If anyone hasn’t already seen this show (and if it’s not too late) go see it now. It’s hugely entertaining.

I only wish, given the fact that I’m an obsessive compulsive photographer, that I’d managed to sneak in my camera and a couple of lenses to get a few shots. Ah well…

I am Sir Bedevere!

Take the quiz: “Which Holy Grail Character Are You?”

Sir Bedevere
Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!

Maxwell’s Silver Hammer

The Maxwell Edison Story. A violent romp inspired by a John Lennon & Paul McCartney song of a similar name.

How quickly things go downhill…

That blokes a nutter… Oi, nutter!

Adult Rainbow Video

Gavin has found the infamous adult sketch the cast of Rainbow did. Hidden away in the archives for so long, none of the cast or crew ever thought it’d see the light of day. I’d previously read the transcript and am glad to report that the video is as hilarious. Definately worth a look

Must Watch This!

I’ve discovered yet another webtoon that almost caused head explosion from over-laughing. Langerland.com | Top 10 What Have the Brits Ever Done For Us is pure brilliance. Laugh? I almost crapped my pantaloons!