Driving Test

A Heartwarming Conclusion

If you’ve been around here for a while, you may have already read of my eternal woes with passing my driving test. This should mark the last installment in this now 6 part odyssey. If you’re really interested in reading the whole lot, here we go.

Part 1: Driving Test Woes
Part 2: Driving Test Woes 2
Part 3: Driving Test Woes 3
Part 4: On re-applying & licking the cats ass of defeat
Part 5: Fecking driving test!

Enough of that malarky, so what makes this such a heartwarming conclusion?

While in my lovely, local (in its last days) pub last night, I met and struck up a conversation with my past driving instructor, whom had already been extensively sampling the local merchandise. How and ever, the news that came forth was so inexplicably tremendous that I almost soiled myself (four times). As he fought through the tear inducing laughter, he recounted the story, leaving no juicy detail behind.

Cast your mind back to my own driving test and indeed to my own driving tester. The large, ignorant and generally hugely abrasive gentleman that failed me once and tested me twice. Yes, if you’ll remember after being screwed over once and requesting a different tester I got the same guy again. Equally as abrasive, hell no, he was just an asshole plain and simple. I passed though and all was good. Never again would I have to look at his sneery, scrunched up little ratbag face again. Others did though and my thoughts and best wishes are with them.

One of those others excelled himself. This is his story. After doing his test they returned to the test center. They sat, he gulped nervously and awaited his fate. Across the table, an oaf was deciding his fate. As it transpired, there was alot of fate being decided upon that fateful day. A piece of paper slid across the table. It came to a stop and a set of fat fingers released it and returned to a folded pose. The candidate picked up the paper, examined it and peered over the top of it to where the tester was poised to make a smart comment. If there’s one thing about this guy, he’s always got a smart comment ready. Be the result fail or pass, there’s always a comment there ready to deride and debase the candidate.

This time it was a fail. Yet another fail under the belt for this less than average employee. However, across the table sat an above average candidate. But of course, the tester didn’t know that… Yet. Smart comment delivered, the air becomes stagnant. Candidate puts paper down, gets up, reaches across table and knocks tester out cold. I shit you not. A swift knuckle sandwich to the kisser was delivered with great accuracy. One court case and 6 months of recovery later, the tester is back to work. Far be it from me to promote violence but this was perhaps the most deserved case of whoop ass in the world. Laugh? I nearly snorted a whole pint of Murphys…

Now, if that person wishes to comment here, I’ll gladly buy you a pint. I’ll gladly buy you ten pints. Later on in the pub (as it’s for sale and possibly closing forever), all of us recalled our favorite moments shared under the roof of Cogans in Carrigaline. I have to say, this was mine.

Comeuppance is a bitch. Thank you and goodnight.

Fecking driving test!

After sexually abusing a feline in my last foray into coherant ranting on the subject of my less than kosher driving test, I reapplied and included a letter from work. Well the letter must have had some effect because here I am, only a month later, having sat my second driving test. I arrived at the Cork test center at around 8am this morning for a pre-test lesson, after which I spent several tense minutes in the waiting room being finally called around 9.20am. I felt somewhat better going into this test knowing that the rotund assfork of a so-called human being that tested me the last time (tested my driving, patience, etc) was on holidays (according to my driving instructor) and so I’d probably get a fighting chance.

A female tester stuck her head into the waiting room, populated solely by me and my loudly churning stomach. “Only one left, heh heh” or something. That’s what I said, she just informed me that someone would be right with me. Not a minute later, the door opened and just through the doorframe, like a great florescent eclipse, came that same rotund assfork that failed me the first time. The brain went fubar but the exterior remained calm. Something along the lines of “Oooooooohhhh those mother fuckers. I DONT BELIEEEEEVE IT! I tell ya I’m gonna kick some fucking ass if he fails me this time. Ohhhhh MOTHER FUCKERSSSS!” Something like that anyway…

I can only assume that he recognised me as soon as he saw me (given that I mildly verbally abused him the last time we met) and the fact that my name is of the instantly recognisable variety. Curses! He proceeded to phrase his theory questions like tongue twisters and ask me to identify every awkward roadsign under the sun. He asked me to point out the radiator cap in the engine of my van only to change his mind without mentioning it and instead decide he wanted to know where the coolant bottle was. I thought “if I drive a few miles away… I could string him up and nobody would be the wiser…”

Some 30 minutes of unrealistically obtuse driving later we returned to the test center. Mr. Monotone advised me to follow him inside the test center for my result. I walked behind him into the office, pulling the most frighteningly sickening faces all the way. My driving instructor, who was parked opposite the center, had a look of utter woe on his face when he saw who got out of the passenger seat of my van. As he said himself toward the end of the pre-test “You shouldn’t have any problem. Your driving is spot on. The only way you’ll fail now is if the tester is a bollocks or something completely unforseen happens”. Prophesy…

Not only is the tester a complete bollocks, but it was completely unforseen that I’d get this mother fucker twice in a row… EVEN AFTER I’D REQUESTED NOT TO GET HIM!

The tester squeezed himself back into his pained and dated office chair, placed the marking sheet in front of me and spent several minutes pointing out every single minute fault in my driving. I mean this shit was so inconsequential it could be entered for an award for the worlds biggest pedantic twat. “You never gave right of way to a hedgehog”, “there was two people sitting at a bus stop 10 metres from the edge and you never slowed down to a stop”. All I wanted to do was count up the faults on the page and see if I passed. Well, that and insert the large chromed name plate on his desk into his left nostril. Eventually what I got was “You need to improve your driving alot but however, you’ve passed”. I took the certificate of competency, put it into my back pocket, grabbed the fathead by the ears and slammed his face into the desk several times. I then skipped out of the office, leaving him face down on his desk in a pool of his own crushed bone, vomit & blood. When outside, I found his car, deficated on the bonnet and relieved myself into the petrol tank whilst whistling songs from “Chicago“.

…Ok, I didnt, but I would have fuckin’ loved to!

On re-applying & licking the cats ass of defeat

Some months ago I was all fired up and ready to spill blood to be proven right at the result of a less than fair driving test. “Appeal” were the cries from the audience and so I set about doing just that. “You’re mad” came more cries, although these were stifled quickly by the more aggressive appeal mongers. I visited the district court, talked with some rather unhelpful people, talked to several driving instructors who have seen this kind of thing before and one resounding answer came back. Something along the lines of “You could appeal… but I wouldn’t“. I even got that opinion from a member of the Gardai, who advised me to more or less smile and nod.

Eventually, and after several months of to’ing and fro’ing, the resounding advice that came clear was to apply again and forget about the appeal process. Yes I got shafted royally and yes it was unjust and all that but if I were to appeal and be successful, the most I could hope for was to get a free re-test. Imagine how unjust and one-sided the tester would be then! Better to start with a clean slate and no predjudice than to be labelled as a troublemaker. Best I could do was to make it known on the application form that I did not under any circumstances want to be tested by the same rotund assfork that tested me the first time. I didn’t phrase it like that, but I reserve the right to do so at a later stage. The moral of the story would seem to be “Don’t complain about anything in Ireland, it’ll get you nowhere anyway.”

Government action on Driving Test waiting lists

Here’s an idea; employ hundreds of private sector driving instructors to conduct driving tests in an aim to cut the 12+ month driving test waiting list and to have fewer learner drivers on Irish roads.

Here’s a cheaper idea; employ driving instructors that know the rules of the road. That way learner drivers who complete a near perfect test won’t be wrongly failed and have to remain learner drivers only to return to the end of the 12+ month waiting list. Vicious circle anyone?

No prizes for guessing which would be more effective.
(yes, I’m still amazingly bitter)

Driving Test Woes 3

The latest in the saga of my simpleton driving tester. After sending a letter of complaint to the supervisor of the Cork testing centre, I today received a response from a different person. The bones of the letter comprises of a statement from my driving tester.

“As applicant approached right turn at Turners Cross Church turning into Curragh Road, the green light was on*. He stopped and the green light remained on for approx 20 seconds after he stopping. He remained stopped until the full green light came on again**.”

Holes in statement pointed out as follows;
* The red light was on as I approached the lights. The green arrow pointing straight ahead only came on a few seconds after I had already stopped.

** Note the term “full green light”. This term was not used in the previous description of the light turning green, possibly due to the fact that it was a filter light pointing straight ahead.

Not exactly the response I had hoped for, although it was the one I had been expecting. The tester hasn’t changed his story as much as I thought he might have, the statement in the letter is rather interesting and will no doubt make a good read for the judge. Yes, next stop: District Court.

Driving Test Woes 2

I posted the following to Boards.ie in the hope of gaining some moral support and to hear people badmouth driving testers in some crazy effort to make me feel better. I wasn’t hugely descriptive in my last post and as the stress is somewhat more manageable now, I’ll continue.

The story so far…

I’ve had my category A license for almost 3 years and been driving for longer than that. Lets just get that out of the way for starters.

Did my category B test yesterday with blood boilingly annoying results. Naturally I got the tester who’s known as the worst of the worst. Not going to mention any names yet because due process is processing. Did the theory and the newfangled technical checks without problem and went out onto the road from the temporary St. Finbarrs test centre. All seemed to be going well for me, I only clocked up 5 grade 2′s total throughout the whole test. Pretty average result.

However, on the junction of Evergreen road and Curragh road there are nasty traffic lights. Lights I was warned about and brought through properly by my ISM certified driving instructor prior to the test. For anyone that doesn’t know the lights, they’re outside that big ugly church. I was told to turn right and so put on my indicator, having stopped at the red light. The green arrow that allows traffic to go straight ahead lit and the red stayed lit so I stayed put. There were about 5 vehicles behind me and as I sat at the red & green arrow filter light for up to a minute, nobody beeped or flashed me. The green arrow went out, as did the red and the full circular green came on at which point I turned right. I was given a grade 3 for not breaking a red light?!? Go figure!

When I came out of the test centre, my instructor was there and when I told him what happened, his head almost exploded. I’ve since been in contact with several other driving instructors, all of whom assured me that I was 100% correct.

Today I wrote a letter of complaint and will now have to wait until I get some results from that to know if I have to appeal in the court. Will the “old boys network” that no doubt exists in the testing centre win out? I’d be amazed if it didn’t to be honest. Proving I’m right was never so difficult…

Followed by today’s update

Since Monday I’ve driven past there about 10 or 11 times just to assure myself I’m not going mad/seeing things. I should have taken my video camera down there the other night to record the lights and the motorists using the junction but of course I forgot it. one thing thats worrying me at the moment is that the sequence of the lights seems to change of it’s own accord. When I was there on Monday evening after the test it was red, red & green arrow, red, green circle. Now it seems to be red, red & green arrow, green arrow & green circle, red. Maybe it’s just changing to suit traffic loads… or else I truly am losing my mind. Waiting for a call from a guy in the corporation about the light sequencing.

Called in to the two pubs down there a while ago to see if they have anything on their cctv… not a sausage. The only useful location had a power cut for most of early Monday afternoon while they were getting new stuff installed. Just my luck eh!

I know it’s only technically day two of my official complaint, but I’m getting an itch to start the appeal process moving. It’s all getting very American.. “I’ll sue you!”, “I’ll see you in court!” and all that over-dramatised nonsense. Well, at least the second part might actually come true.

It continues! Read part 3.

Driving Test Woes

Had my driving test on Monday, failed it because the tester didn’t know how to work traffic lights. In other words, I was 100% correct and was told that by several professional instructors. Complaining, Appealing & all that stuff. I had planned on providing new rant-shaped content here soon but I’ll wait until ths all pans out to have my mother of all rants at the expense of the driving tester in question. Stay tuned, it’s gonna be a whopper.

Incidentally, if anyones got any contacts in the department of transport, please email me.

You might as well follow the story now… so read part two