After sexually abusing a feline in my last foray into coherant ranting on the subject of my less than kosher driving test, I reapplied and included a letter from work. Well the letter must have had some effect because here I am, only a month later, having sat my second driving test. I arrived at the Cork test center at around 8am this morning for a pre-test lesson, after which I spent several tense minutes in the waiting room being finally called around 9.20am. I felt somewhat better going into this test knowing that the rotund assfork of a so-called human being that tested me the last time (tested my driving, patience, etc) was on holidays (according to my driving instructor) and so I’d probably get a fighting chance.
A female tester stuck her head into the waiting room, populated solely by me and my loudly churning stomach. “Only one left, heh heh” or something. That’s what I said, she just informed me that someone would be right with me. Not a minute later, the door opened and just through the doorframe, like a great florescent eclipse, came that same rotund assfork that failed me the first time. The brain went fubar but the exterior remained calm. Something along the lines of “Oooooooohhhh those mother fuckers. I DONT BELIEEEEEVE IT! I tell ya I’m gonna kick some fucking ass if he fails me this time. Ohhhhh MOTHER FUCKERSSSS!” Something like that anyway…
I can only assume that he recognised me as soon as he saw me (given that I mildly verbally abused him the last time we met) and the fact that my name is of the instantly recognisable variety. Curses! He proceeded to phrase his theory questions like tongue twisters and ask me to identify every awkward roadsign under the sun. He asked me to point out the radiator cap in the engine of my van only to change his mind without mentioning it and instead decide he wanted to know where the coolant bottle was. I thought “if I drive a few miles away… I could string him up and nobody would be the wiser…”
Some 30 minutes of unrealistically obtuse driving later we returned to the test center. Mr. Monotone advised me to follow him inside the test center for my result. I walked behind him into the office, pulling the most frighteningly sickening faces all the way. My driving instructor, who was parked opposite the center, had a look of utter woe on his face when he saw who got out of the passenger seat of my van. As he said himself toward the end of the pre-test “You shouldn’t have any problem. Your driving is spot on. The only way you’ll fail now is if the tester is a bollocks or something completely unforseen happens”. Prophesy…
Not only is the tester a complete bollocks, but it was completely unforseen that I’d get this mother fucker twice in a row… EVEN AFTER I’D REQUESTED NOT TO GET HIM!
The tester squeezed himself back into his pained and dated office chair, placed the marking sheet in front of me and spent several minutes pointing out every single minute fault in my driving. I mean this shit was so inconsequential it could be entered for an award for the worlds biggest pedantic twat. “You never gave right of way to a hedgehog”, “there was two people sitting at a bus stop 10 metres from the edge and you never slowed down to a stop”. All I wanted to do was count up the faults on the page and see if I passed. Well, that and insert the large chromed name plate on his desk into his left nostril. Eventually what I got was “You need to improve your driving alot but however, you’ve passed”. I took the certificate of competency, put it into my back pocket, grabbed the fathead by the ears and slammed his face into the desk several times. I then skipped out of the office, leaving him face down on his desk in a pool of his own crushed bone, vomit & blood. When outside, I found his car, deficated on the bonnet and relieved myself into the petrol tank whilst whistling songs from “Chicago“.
…Ok, I didnt, but I would have fuckin’ loved to!
Congratulations - welcome to the real world of driving. The one that allows for the ‘tutting’ at learners and the when I took my driving test tales!!
ive always tutted at learners.. it’s one of the advantages of being a biker. Everyone else on the road is a gobshite
Congrats! I’m in a similar position, failed mine a few weeks back. Only barely, he said I checked my blind spot too much. I dunno, I thought I drove perfectly, reacted in time to hazards and I know for a fact that I got all the questions right. It was the last test on a Friday afternoon. I think we might have had the same guy (baldy fella? kinda strange guy?)
Anyway, got my re-test next Friday so fingers crossed!
odd.. I would have thought it impossible to be too observant. My fella is strange alright.. monotone, fat like the earth is round and has a personality like a pitbull terrier being repeatedly smashed against a wall. Good luck for next Friday!
Someone said to me that they have quotas and he’d probably reached his quota for the week. I dunno how true that is but I only failed by one Grade 2 fault which is about as borderline as you can get. Fingers crossed I don’t get the same guy again, ya my guy was monotone too, not too fat though. The personality part seems to fit though
I’ll let ye know how I get on
I asked you this before but please tell me is his name J O’Neill?
Congrats on passing the test!
no Dave, this guys name is Herlihy
radiator cap? coolant bottle? tell me you’re joking. congrats on passing but I hope they don’t expect you to be mechanic too.
Well feck it anyway! I failed it again, gears this time, I can’t beleive it. Right on the limit again too, you’d think they could cross one out for ya
Ah well, only way to go is apply again I guess.
Bollocks.. Who did you get for it? Apply again quick, no point letting it sit for nearly a year like I did. (but then again, I was extraordinarily pissed off). Gears is all too easy to mess up… I’ve been driving for years and years yet when I took my first test I went from first straight into fourth by accident. Nerves I guess…
Ya I’ve applied again. I put it down to nerves I suppose, I’d kind of expected to pass the last time. It kind of threw me off that I didn’t. Was looking at the report, if he’d taken one of the X’s from the gears part and put it anywhere else on the page I’d have passed. So there are people out there that made more faults than me, but passed their test. Crazy.
Is it Herr J O’Sullivan? I’m taking lessons at the moment and I meet the instuctor infront of Thrifty, the other day while we just about the start driving he pointed across the road at a guy in a leather jacket and said “lets hope you don’t get that guy in the leather jacket when you finally do the test”
Nope, O’ Herlihy. There’s no way you’d miss this guy; the only leather jacket that would go around him would be one thats made of a whole herd of cows. There are a few power tripping wankers up there alright, I was told of at least one other so that might be the guy you’re on about.
It’s all about the luck of the draw really. You could brilliantly in a test but fail on the mood of the tester. It’s sad really, especially with the length of the waiting lists…
Congrats on both the test and making the IBA short-list - best of luck on the night!
Don’t ask how I came across this post, but I’ve just read the whole saga now and in the back of my mind I guessed it could be the same guy I had the first time I did my test. At first I thought it was, but I just checked and it’s a different guy, who’s surname also begins with ‘He…’
I failed my first test for a few minor faults, all of which resulted from a single misunderstanding of the tester’s instructions. I won’t go into detail, but like in your experience, I was approaching a junction which I had practiced many times with my instructor. Worst of all, having given me the verdict after the test, he spent another few minutes criticising me for completely irrelevant things, such as the manner in which I pulled up the handbrake, the position of my tax & insurance discs on the windscreen etc.
Anyway, after arriving home humiliated and stressed, and having vented my anger at this travesty (!), I was told not to feel too bad. Apparently this guy has a reputation, and was previously described as an “utter bollox” by a normally quiet-spoken elderly local priest.
I’m not sure why I’m writing all this, but it helps to let off steam! And as you’re probably aware by now from all the comments, you’re not alone when it comes to encountering incompetent and idiotic driving testers.
Just failed my second driving test yesterday. I was way too nervous but the second I pulled out of the centre there was an ambulance behind me, no lights flashing, I did’nt pull in straight away as the ambulance was not rushing anywhere, and I got done for that. anyway anybody know how to be less nervous before I do my next one???? Thanks
Congrats on passing your test!!!!!!! I had a similar situation last week I failed my test by 1 mark which I was gutted over I had 3 pre-tests and my instructor said id no problem. My tester was a complete ass he didn’t ask me anything about the car like coolant or anything he didn’t even check my lights he gave ridiculous marks for things like not turning my window wipers off whilst doing my reverse around the corner(which was perfect by the way)! Also he had said I was going too fast for the weather conditions even though I didn’t break the speed limit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. He also said I was using my indicators too much giving misleading signals! How the hell can you use indicators too much if you are turning!!! Waiting for another test date hopefully i don’t get that MUPPETT again!!!!!!!!!!!!
after waiting four months to get a date for my driving test i went along on my given day only to be told that i couldn’t do my test as the tester had gone home sick with a migrane.The guy who told me this was rude and didn’t offer to try and fit me in later that day even though there was two other testers there.He only said that i wouldn’t have to reapply or go to the bottom of the list.He couldn’t tell me when i would get another date to do my test.I’ve been trying every day since to get in contact with someone in the centre re this but to no avail either on the phone or by e-mail,the system sucks,
Very unhappy female,
Anne
the next time you can request that you dont want that tester to test you.
I came across your story too. I’ve just failed my test for the 4th time. I’ve been driving for 7 years and have never been involved in an accident. No claims for or against and no penalty points. The recent test was failed with only 5 marks on my score card. It just happens that the only one that isn’t a minor transgression is red. I panicked on re-entering the test centre and drove in too quickly. I shit you not, the wanker failed me at the last gate despite an almost perfect score card at that stage. The tester started grinning when I burst into tears due to the intense stress of having to pass or effectively stop driving under the current system. It’s amazing but there are so many driving testers in this country who fall into the overweight self-satisfied sadistic oaf category. Is it in the job description? If there’s a revolution we’re going to need an awfully big wall