Like Homer Simpson in that certain episode, I also from time to time need to undertake the task of “a little spring cleaning”, albeit involuntary and hugely self-inflicted. Through great expense to myself; financially, mentally and physically, I have found the perfect diarrhoea beer. It retails in a Lidl store near you and comes in small unassuming bottles, costing a little over €10 for 24. It’s “Fink Brau”, the alcoholic alternative to Senokot.

I found some months ago that consumption of over half the case of beer (and I use that term loosly) causes involuntary muscle spasms of the arse. Over half is brave (read: stupid) and the whole case in one night is Rymus. Needless to say I hovered around the pot like a homesick dungbeetle for several days after that fateful Saturday night. It tastes rather like a crude mixture of Budweiser and horse piss, although many speculate that Budweiser is indeed chiefly comprised of that very substance anyway. That leads me to wonder if what we know as Budweiser is actually Fink Brau re-packaged? The conspiracy theories are ongoing. My respect for the French plummets ever lower on drinking every bottle. I can hear chants of “what do you expect from Lidl beer?” but to those that chant I answer “what about that stuff that comes in the longneck brown bottles?” That’s the sauce of choice for many’s the poor student and cheap date. Bring back the Bergadler pils! I hate this frinking Brau crap.