Saturday nights Eurovision really showed us what the proper order of things are recently. Five minutes into the voting it was clear that the shit had well and truly hit the fan. Not too long until we were ‘nil points’, or however those French say it. Only Norway for company at the end of the table. Eventually, that Delightful Lorraine Kelly gave us 7 points in the UK vote. Good girl, keeping up the Irish “kelly” connection. You’re not shunned yet.

And err, that was it. 7 points total. We got a short trip away from the bottom of the rankings but were soon reunited with our old pal Norway. A world away from the triple digit score that Zena and her band of all-singing, all-dancing warriors got.

Chris Doran, who somehow won the “You’re a Star” competition, didn’t hit the mark. You let us down Chris, you let us down. Where would we be now if it had been Jean Elliot (someone I had the pleasure of meeting while at work one day – what a fox) that had gotten through? Some wily director or costume manager along the line would have crammed her into a tight fitting and highly revealing costume and we would have won the bloody Eurovision! That’s where we’d be! I almost feel sorry I didn’t vote for her now…